Silence on the outside but inside there are a lot of noise. I can’t seem to find peace and quiet.
There are a lot of things going on inside my head right now. Sometimes it becomes a bother to my work and sometimes I can just shut it out.
But not this time. I don’t know.
Maybe because the pain is still there and no matter how I deny it, it’s just there to remind me all those sweet and happy memories we had. I know I can never get those back. I know I can never have those again. It’s all a memory. Just a hazy memory of the past.
But I am not tempted anymore to make contact. He won’t care at all anyway. I am fine with no one texting me or talking to me before bed. I am getting used to it and I have no complaints about that.
But there is still a gap. A hole that I think will never be filled in. It will be forever a hole in my heart. There is still something that makes my chest hurt.
But I know I will be fine. I am doing fine. I just need to keep going. I have to. I need to. Because if I don’t, it will really be a defeat for me.
I am trying my best not to think of him anymore. There are moments when I really do not think of him but when I realized that I am not thinking of him, I will think of him. Ironic, right?
He is not thinking of me. Who am I kidding. He’s now thinking of himself and nobody else. Why would I care anymore. He doesn’t care anymore.
Maybe I am just over thinking. I need to get out. I need to distract myself away from it all. I may not forget but I may be able to move on even if it’s 3 steps away from where I am.
Ugh so crowded, this mind. So many thoughts. So many different emotions that wants to be felt. Anger, sadness, disappointment, loneliness, resent and happiness. Yes, even if there are mostly negative emotions, I still want to feel a little bit happy. But I guess it’s too much to ask to feel a little bit happy right now.
Cox I don’t deserve it.
I am a nobody.
No one wants a nobody.