I don’t have the words but I have the need to speak.
I just know that I am in crossroads. I cannot decide which path to take, I am walking in circles with no path in mind. I just know that this path is right for me and the other path is good for him. Of course I should think of myself more now since he did it with finesse and ease to just think about himself.
But I am not that kind of person.
What kind of person am I?
Well, as far as I know, I built myself up ever since when we were still together. I just didn’t depend on him. I have my own personality and character. He may have influenced me but I know for myself that I am still me.
Back then, I was afraid to lead, I was afraid to take responsibilities, I was scared to speak my mind, I was doubting myself whether I can do this or not, I was just behind the scenes, following the crowd and always thinking what others think of me.
But I changed. I changed for the better when I was with him.
I learned how to lead, to speak my mind, to never doubt myself, to never listen to what others say because I am the only one who knows myself well enough, I can do many things when I trust myself and be confident about it. It gave me confidence boost and made me who I am today.
Until our breakup that is.
I now feel like I am invisible. I feel like I didn’t make any difference or impact on anyone’s life, especially to the person I worked hard for all those years. I know I can still lead, I know I can still voice out my opinions but at the back of it, will it matter? Or am I just wasting my time?
Maybe we really needed this space. Maybe, just maybe.
He says he is lost. But where do I go from here now that he left? I didn’t mean to say that I am nothing without him but it feels like this breakup is like a job that you loved and cared for all those years, there maybe times when you feel like giving up but you know the hard work and effort will be worth it so you stay but eventually they terminated you without any concise reason as to why they are letting you go. They just give you a generic reason for you to somehow understand the company’s situation. And now where does that leave me? What did I do wrong?
Life is just full of shit and you have to dig your way up even if you got covered in more shit. Leaving you with shit stains, but admit it, after all those shit digging stuff, you know to yourself that you became stronger and fearless.
I am still running in circles.
Like a dog wanting to chase its tail.