I know I should hate you. For leaving me.
I should be thanking you. For staying faithful until the end.
I must not look for you. Because it brings me false hopes.
They say there must be an underlying meaning as to why you left me. They say it must be. But I say, I don’t think so.
I should understand you now of all times. But how can I understand you if you won’t let me? If you have caused me so much pain? And your initial reaction when I show emotion is to turn away?
They told me, “Give him space”. I say, “He have all the space in the world now. What’s more to ask from me? I always give him what’s best for him. But how about what’s best for me?”‘
I must be selfish for thinking that you needed someone to lean on. That’s why I didn’t bother distancing myself, waiting for the day you come back running to me. Saying that this breakup is stupid. Stupid for letting me go. Stupid for hurting me. But is that really selfish?
At the back of my mind, there is a small thought. A small hope, like a flicker of a light, that someday, or in the next few days, you will appear outside my doorstep, apology in one hand and a hug in the other. Waiting for me with open arms.
You told me not to hope for you. For your what? Your return? Your love? Which one? I have so much hope for you. I look up to you so much that now I realize I am now looking down on myself.
I should be proud of you. Proud that in all those indecisiveness, you found your stand. You found your decision. Your decision to isolate yourself away from me, from your friend, from the people who cares for you.
But did you quit? If things get rough, we should just rest and not quit? Why? What did I ever do to make you quit?
I am not supposed to talk about you. I am supposed to find things and activities away from you.
But talking about you is much easier to deal with instead of just bottling up this thoughts of you.
You said that I should try harder, try harder to find a new happiness. How is it so easy to say for you? Is it because you found a new happiness already? You do know that I find happiness in every simple and small things, but all those simple and small things are a painful reminder of how we used to be. Now how am I supposed to find happiness?
Yes, they are greater things in life that I may not realize yet. But for now, happiness? I don’t… know.
I should stop thinking about you. I am. I am able to stop thinking about you. Right now, I cannot see your face clearly on my mind. I cannot see what expressions you are making. But I can see clearly the face of the person that left me. Those eyes full of anger towards me.
And now I am left with so many questions. So many whys. So many doubts. I cannot trust myself anymore.
I am doing things, reckless things, that I haven’t done before. Why? I don’t know? Maybe a coping mechanism to forget that I was your good girl. To forget what I was, the me when we are still together. To escape reality? To make me tired and easily fall asleep when I lay down on my bed? To numb the pain? To chase you away from my thoughts? Rebellion from you and from my family? I don’t know. All I know is I should do something to survive, to live day by day without much hurting inside.
They say I should take this time to find myself also. But how? I’m still stuck on the thought that I found myself already. That I bloomed into a courageous young woman who can question everything. I am stuck on the idea that I already accepted myself, my flaws and for what I am. I may question myself on some days but I think that is normal.
But those confidence and bravado, gone. Just gone. Words are powerful, so powerful that a simple statement can make or break a person. But of course, it depends on the person if she/he will easily be affected by it.
I feel like a once loved house pet that was left in a middle of nowhere. Stripped of all the love, care and warmth just because of some selfish reason.