Still

I am feeling good today.

I felt hunger for the first time in a month. I am craving for food. And I think that is a good sign. A small step ahead in whatever path I take. I feel good today. I should because in less than a week, I will fly out of the country again and this time, it will only be me and my best friend. Hello Taiwan!

I might think of him but it is easier to shrug it off my mind now. There have been moments, but I am sure that it is all a blur now. I can just ignore it.

Like right now, I may think of him but I don’t know what to say. Or what to think about. Just him.

July is also my birth month and one way to make myself better is to establish a new routine. Every night, I will read a book in order to help me fall asleep at the same time, expand my vocabulary. For a start, I will finish “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” by Milan Kundera. I bought this book out of curiosity. My favorite band singer, Yael, once mentioned in one of his interviews that his favorite book is this book. So I hunted down the book (look, I live in the province and the choices here are not much) and bought it the second I found it. I think I bought it way back 2013 I guess? And I still haven’t finished it yet. And now I started reading it again and maybe the reason why I found it boring then (there are times I fell asleep while reading it, sorry) is because I cannot relate to the characters. And now that I can relate to the characters, I am more intrigued by this book. I am also listing words that aren’t familiar to me so I will really take my time reading it. I am planning to buy a new book, 1984 by George Orwell. I know there are epubs and pdfs for free on the internet but there is something, I cannot express into words but there is a good, even better a giddy feeling when reading from a book.

I decided that I should really expand my hobby and things that I may like. I should try things for a change. Familiar things and routine leaves a bad taste in my mouth right now.

For some reason, I don’t eat out anymore like I used to. I don’t crave this kind of dish in this restaurant. I started to eat junk food and to drink carbonated drinks again for reasons that I don’t know. Maybe I am too strict and suffocating myself and now it suffocates other people too. But of course, I can feel the pain on my sides after eating those. I am still hesitant to bring them back inside my body but what is the point now?

When I broke the news of my break up, people messaged me, extended their thoughts and care. They talked to me, cheered me up and said good things despite of a bad situation. But, well, they don’t really care about me. Maybe in that moment when I was vulnerable, people took pity on me. No one really cares for you. No one will be looking out for you except yourself.

I feel somehow good.

Or maybe this is the calm before the storm?

I am terrified. What if this stillness comes with a storm? I don’t know how I will handle that. I hope not.

I have this fear that if I get too happy, sadness will come right after.

What if this stillness is what you called being happy?

Crap.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s